Today I am thankful that I had work off this morning and could sleep in and that my first exam got done an hour early so I could cram some more in before my second exam. And the sun is out making it a beautiful fall day.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
WOW
These past few days have been incredible!
My parents and I had a safe and enjoyable road trip and day of exploration in the city on Saturday. We also met up with a high school friend's mom who lives in the city who showed us some really cool spots in central park.
Move-in to Rubin Hall went well, my roommate Maya is very friendly and nice and she spent last summer in the dorms as well so she's helped me figure this place out.
I went to a church called Trinity Grace East Village on Sunday evening- due to a really cool connection. My parents were at an open house for a family friend's son when she was talking to the aunt of the graduate said she had a daughter who interned for CNN in Atlanta 3 years ago and now lives in NYC and works for MSNBC and attends Trinity Grace which she really likes. It turns out that this daughter is sisters with a girl on SouthStreet named Kristin as well! Crazy God connections.
I really connected with the message and enjoyed the service and definitely plan to go back. After the service, Meagan introduced me to some of her friends who have similar career interests to mine which was really cool. She then treated me to dinner at a restaurant called Westside.. I think... haha. It was really delicious! We spent a long time talking about God, news, home, and life in the city. She also told me a lot about her time with CNN which was really reassuring and encouraging for me to hear the night before my internship started.
Today, I got up extra early to have a quiet time at central park before my internship. I got a little confused with the subway and ended up arriving just in the nick of time for my internship. I met lots of interns from all departments who were really friendly and great to connect with. This internship will have lots of opportunities for learning and connecting with executives which is so exciting. Today, we had orientation, an iNews class, watched 2 new test pilots for the network, had another media share class, and had a meeting with the VP of Talent Development and met the Programming Team. They were all so helpful and friendly today and I am very excited to work with them. I have one intern working with me in programming named Maegan. She goes to NYU and after work, we both went to The Fault in Our Stars Premiere. She left early but I stayed to see everything from afar and ended up experiencing Ansel Elgort (my big crush) from less than 3 feet away twice- (thank you God for the beauty in this world)! Went to the dining hall after and got my soft serve cone (Score). And then went to our second floor dorm lounge to chill because its the only place with air conditioning in our dorm. I met an Australian guy and girl who works for THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JIMMY FALLON and said she could give us free passes to Jimmy's monologues. It was such a cool day, guys. Same with yesterday. and the day before.
My parents and I had a safe and enjoyable road trip and day of exploration in the city on Saturday. We also met up with a high school friend's mom who lives in the city who showed us some really cool spots in central park.
Move-in to Rubin Hall went well, my roommate Maya is very friendly and nice and she spent last summer in the dorms as well so she's helped me figure this place out.
I went to a church called Trinity Grace East Village on Sunday evening- due to a really cool connection. My parents were at an open house for a family friend's son when she was talking to the aunt of the graduate said she had a daughter who interned for CNN in Atlanta 3 years ago and now lives in NYC and works for MSNBC and attends Trinity Grace which she really likes. It turns out that this daughter is sisters with a girl on SouthStreet named Kristin as well! Crazy God connections.
I really connected with the message and enjoyed the service and definitely plan to go back. After the service, Meagan introduced me to some of her friends who have similar career interests to mine which was really cool. She then treated me to dinner at a restaurant called Westside.. I think... haha. It was really delicious! We spent a long time talking about God, news, home, and life in the city. She also told me a lot about her time with CNN which was really reassuring and encouraging for me to hear the night before my internship started.
Today, I got up extra early to have a quiet time at central park before my internship. I got a little confused with the subway and ended up arriving just in the nick of time for my internship. I met lots of interns from all departments who were really friendly and great to connect with. This internship will have lots of opportunities for learning and connecting with executives which is so exciting. Today, we had orientation, an iNews class, watched 2 new test pilots for the network, had another media share class, and had a meeting with the VP of Talent Development and met the Programming Team. They were all so helpful and friendly today and I am very excited to work with them. I have one intern working with me in programming named Maegan. She goes to NYU and after work, we both went to The Fault in Our Stars Premiere. She left early but I stayed to see everything from afar and ended up experiencing Ansel Elgort (my big crush) from less than 3 feet away twice- (thank you God for the beauty in this world)! Went to the dining hall after and got my soft serve cone (Score). And then went to our second floor dorm lounge to chill because its the only place with air conditioning in our dorm. I met an Australian guy and girl who works for THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JIMMY FALLON and said she could give us free passes to Jimmy's monologues. It was such a cool day, guys. Same with yesterday. and the day before.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Well, I'm not quite sure what this is yet.
I want to keep a blog about my life to share my most personal victories and struggles with those I trust, kind of like an online journal, but not fully.
I'll start with this.
Lately, I've been thinking about my relationship with God in terms of metaphors. I never really considered myself the poetic type (and I still don't, I struggle to make it through a Psalm without zoning out) but its been really helpful for me to figure out what I'm feeling and to explain it to others using the imagery of the ocean (or for a West Michigan girl like me- Lake Michigan). Let's be honest, it lends itself far too easily to spiritual metaphors (and here's the cue for Oceans by Hillsong.)
When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at the Holland beach playing in the Lake Michigan waves with my cousins during camping trips. We would bring little inner tubes out and hold onto the buoys designating the swimming area. We did this to keep ourselves in place while sitting inside of the tube since our feet weren't grounded so we wouldn't drift yards away down the lake. It was a fun challenge when there were red flag waves to hold onto the buoy as the waves came crashing over. The force would almost always break your grip and send you doing flips in your tube on top of the water. It was fun but it was always a pain getting back out to the buoy, especially without getting out of the tube. The tube was comfortable, getting out of it or in to it seemed like far too much work, so I would stubbornly sit inside my tube and use my arms to paddle back out. As someone with little arm strength, it took ages for me to swim back to where I wanted to be while inside of my tube but if I didn't I would drift far off course.
What I'm getting at with this story is that from start to end of this academic year (my third year in college), I have considered myself that kid in the tube and God to be my buoy, the tube my comfort zone, you get the gist...
I came into this past year feeling distant from God and like I couldn't connect with him. The previous summer had been a slippery slope. Without the tight Christian community I had been constantly surrounded with during my sophomore year that held me accountable and pushed me to spend time with God, I ended up drifting away from Him. To be honest, it wasn't even like I had been holding onto the buoy that year, it was more like I was just surrounded by so many other people that the community grounded me. Its a great community but it in no way compares to the role a personal relationship with God can have in my life. I found my worth in the community, I spent quiet time with God because other people were doing it and we did it together. I didn't pursue God personally in a consistent way. I had no grip on the buoy.
So when I moved home for the summer, that was the first wave that knocked my grip off. No longer surrounded by that community, I was pushed out from the buoy and started drifting. I didn't even realize it at first but in June, I started to recognize something wasn't right. Here's an entry from my journal written on June 23 (also please read that as 23 not 23rd).
"Something is not right. I know its wrong. I'm hyperventilating with self-absorption. God, I need you. I NEED your healing and power in my life. this is real. this is vulnerable this is me and you- not for anyone else. You are the God who sees me."
From there, my journal is empty until August. And that's significant because my journal is where I write down my earnest, real prayers with God. I still "prayed" daily that summer- thanks God for the food, please keep us safe, thanks for time with family- lots of the general go-to stuff. But nothing that was vulnerable, nothing that I actually put much effort into. The closest thing I got to that was some nights collapsing into bed and thinking "God, I need you to break through and reach out to me." But I put all of the responsibility on God and left myself in a passive role waiting for Him to do something.
Why? Why do I do that? From reading that entry in June, you would think, that's the start of me getting off the downward slope, or seeing that my hands aren't on the buoy and making my way back to it.
I don't have an answer other than that song lyric that I've found to be all too true in my life-
"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."
I felt so out of place at the end of the summer. I didn't feel good enough in anything. I felt like I couldn't connect with people. I felt undesirable. Numb, burned out, inadequate. I had no desire to be a designated leader in Southwest because I had nothing to offer to those who needed someone to pour into them. I could show up and say the right things. I could be open to a certain extent. But ask me to invest anything into it and I would shut down immediately. On the outside, I was seeking God and growing in faith but my character had (rather has) some serious flaws. When pushed, I didn't respond well, I immediately went into defensive mode- thinking how to protect myself rather than make myself vulnerable to others criticism and my own brokenness.
Here's the next entry written on August 30.
"I don't fit in. I'm awkward, stuck in a wannabe spot. Prayer feels empty, I feel fake. I pray for love, to feel you- I can talk about you, but not to you. Waiting as I slowly ruin everything. I need to be centered on you but I feel nothing."
I'm losing focus here as I write. Getting back to the buoy analogy. Anyways, I was drifting. Drifting far away, the buoy was barely in sight. Off in no-man's land. No sense of identity or who I was.
I was uncentered, grasping for self-glory to feel ok, I couldn't connect with God and I couldn't connect with anyone around me. In the places I used to feel most at home in, I felt overwhelming despair. The less I thought about God, the better I felt. I started to put myself into situations where I had power and I felt desired- for example in the club scene in Puerto Vallarta.
The angrier I was, the less I acted like I cared, the less I made myself vulnerable, the more I felt like I could gain others respect and put myself above them and build my tower higher than anyone else's to show that I don't need them. I had it together, didn't need God. I ended up so dissatisfied with myself, that the only thing I was good at was manipulating others- making myself look like the good Christian. I had felt so hurt making myself vulnerable before and I didn't want to acknowledge it or humble myself. I was praying for a divine encounter because I couldn't feel God but my heart was closed.
What it honestly took for me start paddling back was the message in a sermon at my parent's new church during a trip home for ArtPrize. Here are my notes I took that morning-
-prone to wander
-I am naturally inclined to sin
-if left to itself, a roller-skate falls down an incline
-we run and hid like Adam and Eve, we don't want spiritual surgery, it hurts
-what's the condition of my heart?
-first symptom of spiritual disease is losing focus, stop praying, resist Holy Spirit, give into temptation, heart has insatiable desire for the world
-don't you think about the one you love every day? why do I stop thinking about God? when you go on vacation, you don't forget you're married
-we're dead without God, we're numb and seek adrenaline in other places, in other desires
-our hands become calloused, we can't feel God
-you were dead in transgressions when you followed the ways of this world
-by nature, we are objects of sin
-sin leads to death- separation from God
-know your heart first, then the rest will make sense
-how do I get back to life? renewal
-cooperate with the Holy Spirit's work in my life, stop resisting
Determination:
the will to engage the Holy Spirit's work of bringing me to life
-reach out to receive gift
not passive- not sitting there letting God dress me. I'm taking off my unholy addictions/garments
-everyday we must choose and pursue holiness
-you become what you put on
-renewal is a resurrection
Wake up O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and God will shine on you.
-apart from God, we blame and hide
Maybe that makes no sense to anyone but me but it was where I first started to realize following God was something I had to actively choose to do each day. I won't grow in Him unless I am actively seeking Him. It was difficult to be apart from community last summer but it showed me what the condition of my heart was. It took me to a low place but I am thankful for it. I want God to develop my character and use me for his plan and I need wake up calls when I'm not allowing Him to do that in my current state.
Right now, I feel like I'm at a crossroads for my summer and senior year: choosing the Christ life or the life that gives immediate gratification to me in control that I drifted into last summer. In my head, I know which one is better, healthier, leads to true life yet I'm drawn in by the lies that I can have all I ever wanted on earth and feel secure in my identity if I just manipulate the situation myself.
I'd love your prayers and support in this. I can't live the Christ life alone.
Peace n blessinz, Lexie
I want to keep a blog about my life to share my most personal victories and struggles with those I trust, kind of like an online journal, but not fully.
I'll start with this.
Lately, I've been thinking about my relationship with God in terms of metaphors. I never really considered myself the poetic type (and I still don't, I struggle to make it through a Psalm without zoning out) but its been really helpful for me to figure out what I'm feeling and to explain it to others using the imagery of the ocean (or for a West Michigan girl like me- Lake Michigan). Let's be honest, it lends itself far too easily to spiritual metaphors (and here's the cue for Oceans by Hillsong.)
When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at the Holland beach playing in the Lake Michigan waves with my cousins during camping trips. We would bring little inner tubes out and hold onto the buoys designating the swimming area. We did this to keep ourselves in place while sitting inside of the tube since our feet weren't grounded so we wouldn't drift yards away down the lake. It was a fun challenge when there were red flag waves to hold onto the buoy as the waves came crashing over. The force would almost always break your grip and send you doing flips in your tube on top of the water. It was fun but it was always a pain getting back out to the buoy, especially without getting out of the tube. The tube was comfortable, getting out of it or in to it seemed like far too much work, so I would stubbornly sit inside my tube and use my arms to paddle back out. As someone with little arm strength, it took ages for me to swim back to where I wanted to be while inside of my tube but if I didn't I would drift far off course.
What I'm getting at with this story is that from start to end of this academic year (my third year in college), I have considered myself that kid in the tube and God to be my buoy, the tube my comfort zone, you get the gist...
I came into this past year feeling distant from God and like I couldn't connect with him. The previous summer had been a slippery slope. Without the tight Christian community I had been constantly surrounded with during my sophomore year that held me accountable and pushed me to spend time with God, I ended up drifting away from Him. To be honest, it wasn't even like I had been holding onto the buoy that year, it was more like I was just surrounded by so many other people that the community grounded me. Its a great community but it in no way compares to the role a personal relationship with God can have in my life. I found my worth in the community, I spent quiet time with God because other people were doing it and we did it together. I didn't pursue God personally in a consistent way. I had no grip on the buoy.
So when I moved home for the summer, that was the first wave that knocked my grip off. No longer surrounded by that community, I was pushed out from the buoy and started drifting. I didn't even realize it at first but in June, I started to recognize something wasn't right. Here's an entry from my journal written on June 23 (also please read that as 23 not 23rd).
"Something is not right. I know its wrong. I'm hyperventilating with self-absorption. God, I need you. I NEED your healing and power in my life. this is real. this is vulnerable this is me and you- not for anyone else. You are the God who sees me."
From there, my journal is empty until August. And that's significant because my journal is where I write down my earnest, real prayers with God. I still "prayed" daily that summer- thanks God for the food, please keep us safe, thanks for time with family- lots of the general go-to stuff. But nothing that was vulnerable, nothing that I actually put much effort into. The closest thing I got to that was some nights collapsing into bed and thinking "God, I need you to break through and reach out to me." But I put all of the responsibility on God and left myself in a passive role waiting for Him to do something.
Why? Why do I do that? From reading that entry in June, you would think, that's the start of me getting off the downward slope, or seeing that my hands aren't on the buoy and making my way back to it.
I don't have an answer other than that song lyric that I've found to be all too true in my life-
"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."
I felt so out of place at the end of the summer. I didn't feel good enough in anything. I felt like I couldn't connect with people. I felt undesirable. Numb, burned out, inadequate. I had no desire to be a designated leader in Southwest because I had nothing to offer to those who needed someone to pour into them. I could show up and say the right things. I could be open to a certain extent. But ask me to invest anything into it and I would shut down immediately. On the outside, I was seeking God and growing in faith but my character had (rather has) some serious flaws. When pushed, I didn't respond well, I immediately went into defensive mode- thinking how to protect myself rather than make myself vulnerable to others criticism and my own brokenness.
Here's the next entry written on August 30.
"I don't fit in. I'm awkward, stuck in a wannabe spot. Prayer feels empty, I feel fake. I pray for love, to feel you- I can talk about you, but not to you. Waiting as I slowly ruin everything. I need to be centered on you but I feel nothing."
I'm losing focus here as I write. Getting back to the buoy analogy. Anyways, I was drifting. Drifting far away, the buoy was barely in sight. Off in no-man's land. No sense of identity or who I was.
I was uncentered, grasping for self-glory to feel ok, I couldn't connect with God and I couldn't connect with anyone around me. In the places I used to feel most at home in, I felt overwhelming despair. The less I thought about God, the better I felt. I started to put myself into situations where I had power and I felt desired- for example in the club scene in Puerto Vallarta.
The angrier I was, the less I acted like I cared, the less I made myself vulnerable, the more I felt like I could gain others respect and put myself above them and build my tower higher than anyone else's to show that I don't need them. I had it together, didn't need God. I ended up so dissatisfied with myself, that the only thing I was good at was manipulating others- making myself look like the good Christian. I had felt so hurt making myself vulnerable before and I didn't want to acknowledge it or humble myself. I was praying for a divine encounter because I couldn't feel God but my heart was closed.
What it honestly took for me start paddling back was the message in a sermon at my parent's new church during a trip home for ArtPrize. Here are my notes I took that morning-
-prone to wander
-I am naturally inclined to sin
-if left to itself, a roller-skate falls down an incline
-we run and hid like Adam and Eve, we don't want spiritual surgery, it hurts
-what's the condition of my heart?
-first symptom of spiritual disease is losing focus, stop praying, resist Holy Spirit, give into temptation, heart has insatiable desire for the world
-don't you think about the one you love every day? why do I stop thinking about God? when you go on vacation, you don't forget you're married
-we're dead without God, we're numb and seek adrenaline in other places, in other desires
-our hands become calloused, we can't feel God
-you were dead in transgressions when you followed the ways of this world
-by nature, we are objects of sin
-sin leads to death- separation from God
-know your heart first, then the rest will make sense
-how do I get back to life? renewal
-cooperate with the Holy Spirit's work in my life, stop resisting
Determination:
the will to engage the Holy Spirit's work of bringing me to life
-reach out to receive gift
not passive- not sitting there letting God dress me. I'm taking off my unholy addictions/garments
-everyday we must choose and pursue holiness
-you become what you put on
-renewal is a resurrection
Wake up O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and God will shine on you.
-apart from God, we blame and hide
Maybe that makes no sense to anyone but me but it was where I first started to realize following God was something I had to actively choose to do each day. I won't grow in Him unless I am actively seeking Him. It was difficult to be apart from community last summer but it showed me what the condition of my heart was. It took me to a low place but I am thankful for it. I want God to develop my character and use me for his plan and I need wake up calls when I'm not allowing Him to do that in my current state.
Right now, I feel like I'm at a crossroads for my summer and senior year: choosing the Christ life or the life that gives immediate gratification to me in control that I drifted into last summer. In my head, I know which one is better, healthier, leads to true life yet I'm drawn in by the lies that I can have all I ever wanted on earth and feel secure in my identity if I just manipulate the situation myself.
I'd love your prayers and support in this. I can't live the Christ life alone.
Peace n blessinz, Lexie
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